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I think when people imagine what it’s like to receive pastoral counseling, they envision their pastor or elder giving them wonderful advice. And, to a certain extent, this is true. When you have a problem and need advice, your pastor or elder should be able to give you sound counsel. One of the most important elements, however, of pastoral counseling is listening. All too often people are interested in solving problems and finding solutions for the things that vex them, but what a good pastor or elder must do is reject the desire to find a quick answer and spend a lot of time gathering data.
The image of the heavy-German accented psychologist probably comes to mind, “Tell me about your mother,” as you lie on leather reclining couch. But as cliché as the image is, it captures the important element of counseling—listening to the person who’s struggling with a problem. Just as a good detective can enter a home, make some observations, and then tell you a lot about a person’s lifestyle, so a good counselor can listen to a person describe his home life, relationship with his spouse and children, and the nature of his job and gain useful information that can prove vital in the counseling process. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Did you grow up in a Christian home? Are you taking any medications? How often do you fight with your wife? How much time do you spend with your children? Questions like these can help a counselor determine the specific nature of a person’s problem. Apart from this data, the counselor might offer really bad advice.
Case in point, I once participated in a counseling session where the pastor asked a series of questions to a person who was looking for financial assistance. He asked where his parents or family were. He answered that he was estranged from them. The pastor asked what level of education he had completed. The response was that he had dropped out of high school. The pastor then asked whether he was ever in trouble with the law, which the man acknowledged that he had been arrested before. All of this information pointed to the fact that this man had a problem with authority—parents, school, and the government. The hopes that he would therefore heed the pastor’s counsel was, at this point, rather grim. The pastor offered to provide a meal to the person, but the man rejected this offer and moved on. This is just one small example of how gathering data, or listening, is vital to the counseling process.
Listening is also vital in your interaction with your children, spouse, co-workers, and others at church. Perhaps you’re encountering problems with the people in your life because you’re not doing enough listening? Make sure to ask a lot of questions and do a lot of listening before you decide to offer any counsel. Good counsel floats upon an ocean of listening.
