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I served on a presbytery credentials committee for nearly a decade. The credentials committee has the task of vetting candidates for the ministry. One of the regular questions that we asked prospective candidates was, “Is your wife in agreement with your desire to pursue the ministry?” Such a question might seem out of place, but in truth, it is one of the more important considerations in the pursuit of ordained ministry. Yes, you have to have a college education, seminary training, as well as internship experience. Yes, you need to have an internal sense of calling and external confirmation from people in the church. But a part of that external sense that confirms whether you are called to the ministry lives under your own roof. Does your wife want you to pursue the ministry?
In most cases the candidates who answered this question responded that their wives were supportive or even enthusiastic about their desire to serve as a pastor. In some cases, however, wives had questions, hesitations, or even opposition. There were a host of reasons for such responses. Regardless of the reasons, whether right or wrong, if your wife has reservations about your pursuit of the ministry, then you need to deal with them and ensure that they are not obstacles. And by dealing with them, I mean that you have to resolve them so that your wife becomes supportive and enthusiastic about your pursuit of ordained office. Why?
There are enough challenges in the ministry that exist outside of your home. The last thing you want, however, is to have obstacles under your very own roof. You don’t want to be working hard at ministry and then feel like you’re to dragging your wife along in the process. If your wife isn’t on board, then you need to pray, talk, and come to a point where you both agree about ministry. You should not, I believe, pursue ministry, until you’re both on the same page. If you’re not on the same page it can result in very trying circumstances while you’re in the pastorate, or worse, it can ruin your marriage. Ministry is like running a marathon—and you and your wife have to be committed to running the whole race together—side by side. If you have to carry your wife, then you won’t be as effective as possible, or if your wife stops running, then you’ll eventually end up leaving her behind. Both scenarios are undesirable.
It doesn’t matter how much zeal, training, and knowledge you have. If you can’t care for the church under your own roof first (your wife and family) then you will have trouble caring for the church as a pastor. This means you must ensure that you and your wife agree about your pursuit of ministry. Two cannot walk together unless they are agreed on going to the same destination. If your wife has questions or reservations, talk with other ministers, other married couples who are in ministry, so she can get answers to her questions Seek an internship so you can get a taste of what the ministry is like before you fully commit to taking a pastorate. In these trial periods you can see what ministry is like and alleviate anxieties or concerns. In the end, if your wife doesn’t agree with your desire to pursue the pastorate, don’t push it, but take it as an indicator that you should serve in another vocation. Such a decision is ultimately sacrificial and seeks to preserve the peace of the church under your roof—it’s an act of love. You don’t want to secure a pastoral call at any cost and end up losing your marriage as a result.
